How Trim Your Child's Toenails

Tools Needed: Trimmers, Patience and More Patience.

“We have to trim her toe nails”, BW tells me.

Don’t be fooled by these cute little toes. They can get nasty later.

I would rather trim the dog’s toenails, or maybe a wolf or even a hyena - I am pretty sure it would be easier than getting the toes on the child to a reasonable length

In fact, maybe you don’t even need to read this post as you’ve already heard all the screaming from here.

I don’t know what it is, but the child hates hates and hates getting her toenails trimmed.

Let me get this out of the way: She has never been cut accidentally when trimming her toes. She has no reason to fear this or scream and kick as much as she does.

BW has been the official toenail trimmer from the very beginning. As for me, I’m there for getting the straight jacket on the child before we start and to throw sweets at her from time to time.

Here’s how it all goes down:

1. It is announced that this is toenail day after dinner before bed.

2. Child hides in the furthest corner of the house and claims to be overwhelmed by fear.

3. Idle threats are used and the child reluctantly sits on the living room couch where the trimming is to happen.

4. Child refuses to present feet to BW for trimming.

5. BW is at one end by the feet, and I’m up by the head. The fun begins as we try to restrain the kicking and screaming demon that has taken over our child - all because of trimming toenails that when done properly (which they are - BW’s a pro) does not hurt a bit.

6. More threats.

7. More screaming

8. Treats are offered

9. More screaming

10. More screaming.

11. BW starts to cut toe number 1.

12. More screaming

13. BW has not even touched toe number 1

14. More screaming.

15. Kicking added for effect.

16. Child told to not kick. Or else.

17. We are not sure what the “or else” is

18. More screaming

19. Toe 2 gets started.

20. More Screaming

21. I wish for a fast death about here.

22. More screaming

23. 2 down, 8 to go…

24. More screaming.

25. More screaming

26. More screaming

27. Finally. 10 piggies trimmed.

As a reward (for what, I am not sure) she gets a Peep.

Because we reinforce screaming and kicking with sugar. Don’t judge us.

BW and I want something stronger than sugar. We’re thinking XANAX for two.

For those that think of babies and how cute they are with their little toes remember that one day those cute toes will need to be trimmed and the experience will take years off your life.

Years, I tell you.

Years.

The ONE and only ONE pro about this evening’s activity is she went right to bed and fell asleep instantly because screaming for an hour straight can wear a little girl out.

Sweet Dreams,

TH and Co.